By this time, you have gone through the ‘no contact’ period when you avoided anything to do with your Ex and you have both calmed down. You have also gone through the stage of making initial contact as explained in our article on how to start talking to your Ex again. The main message of that article applies in this stage too: all contact and conversation must be lighthearted, fun, happy but not excited. No delving into the breakup, no arguments, no pleading or begging.
Essentially, you will be doing two things simultaneously. You will be reminding your Ex how awesome you have always been and, at the same time, you will be showing her or him how even more awesome you have become since the break up. Of course, you can’t do this directly. It’s show time not talk time. Also, it can be tricky separating the two. But don’t worry; it’s pretty straightforward when you get into the details.
How to Remind Your Ex of How Awesome You’ve Always Been
The way to remind your Ex of how awesome you have always been is by reminding them why the fell in love with you in the first place. Again, you can’t talk about it, you have to be indirect. The psychology at play here is simple. Briefly, there is a reason why your Ex was in a relationship with you. There is something about you they love. You are special in some way – at least in their eyes. They could have just as easily been with someone else but they chose you. And, of course, your Ex is damn special to you if you want to get back together after being dumped. What it all adds up is that, odd as it may sound, what your Ex really needs is the real you, not a newly re-designed ‘awesome’ you.
What it comes down is that you should show your ex you’re the character traits that she or he likes most about you. You have an idea of what makes your Ex happy, what she or liked most to talk to you about. Talk about that and do whatever it is that lifts their spirit. Assume for the moment that you are wooing her afresh. As long as you keep it natural, your Ex will love it and begin forgetting that you are supposed to be separated. Laugher and happiness is the sign that you are projecting the personality they like.
Now Show Your Ex of How More Awesome You Have Become
This is where people make mistakes. It is logical to expect that your Ex will be impressed, maybe even charmed, if you ‘return’ as a totally new, confident, popular, ‘awesome’ person. Like you now have different dates every day and have a new taste in music and movies and dressing style. You have a totally new bunch of ‘friends’ and habits.
Wrong move. Your Ex will love it if you have upgraded but not if you have changed. The difference is big. Upgrading means catching on to things that your Ex already likes and had always kind-of pushed you towards. It’s about what your Ex thinks is cool. On the other side, changing means becoming what you think is cool. Note the difference.
So, if you want to show your Ex that you have become more awesome, stick to an upgrade of what your Ex likes. You know what those things are because you were close. Your Ex kind-of wanted you to wear that kind of shoes? Good, get two pairs. Your tummy was becoming a point of conversation before the breakup? Fine, get rid of it. Your Ex always wanted you to watch horror movies? No problem, watch a series of the damn things so you can tell your Ex, blow-by-blow, what horror movie is more horrible than the rest. For the first time in your life, learn how to cook real food if that is what it takes.
Doing this will give you and your Ex new areas of conversation and new shared interests. The beauty of it is that your Ex will not just like the new you but they will be flattered that you did it all for them – which is true, isnt it?
One last point: It is not a guarantee that your Ex will respond positively to your effort to rekindle the relationship. Be open to the possibility that they have truly moved on and have no intention of making up with you. Remember, if indeed your Ex is no longer interested in you, it is better to let go too. After all, 1 in 10 breakups are permanent, and the only thing that is worse than losing the love of your life is being with someone who does not love you back. For details on how to tell if your Ex is interested in repairing the relationship, see our next article, how to tell if your Ex will take you back.