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Why You Must Ignore Your Ex To Get Them Back

If you have recently broken up with someone you deeply loved, you know the almost unbearable urge to contact them. It takes a lot of self-control not to pick the phone and call your Ex, or maybe send a short text message. Or ‘accidentally’ happen to be in places where you know you might bump into them. It’s tough to ignore your ex.

But if you have read our previous article on how to get past a break-up, you have an idea why you must totally ignore your Ex after a break up. But you probably still have that nagging question at the back of your mind: Why is making contact with your Ex such a big deal? How important is it, anyway?

Have no doubts. There are strong reasons why you must ignore your Ex for a while after a break up. It’s part psychology of human nature and part strategy of controlling people. Here’s a brief explanation.

Why The Urge To Contact Your Ex Is Usually So Strong

Apple and snake.To best appreciate the rule of ignoring your ex, consider first why the temptation to contact them is so high. Simply, it is a natural reaction to change, isolation and rejection. It is a psychological reaction to the fact that you have been spending lots of time together.

What the breakup has done, therefore, is to suddenly leave you with lots of time that you don’t know what to do with. Your Ex is suddenly no there for you to talk to, ask something, tell a joke or share with them the interesting stuff that happened to you at work or school. There is just too much silence around you. That is isolation. It’s also a big and abrupt change to your life.

Plus, consciously or subconsciously, you are struggling with the feeling that maybe you are inadequate, not good enough or not smart enough. That’s a clinical symptom of self doubt that comes from rejection.

Why You Must Not Contact Your Ex for 30-Days After A Break Up

The fact that you are feeling isolated and rejected is in fact the first reason why you must ignore you Ex for a while after the break up. Strictly speaking, you are psychologically unwell. You are not sick, of course, but you are not in a state of mind to relate rationally with your Ex. So don’t. The recommended period is 30 days but, as we explain later in this article, the figure can vary.

Secondly, it is human nature not to want anything that is easy to get. In other words, if your Ex thinks he or she can get you back anytime, they will not have the urge to want you back. And even if, somehow, you convince them to take you back, they will take you for granted – and that’s a sure recipe for another breakup down the road.

ex factor banner.

The point to keep in mind here is that your Ex did not wake up one day and dump you. They thought about it, maybe even agonized about it. That means they have reasons for dumping you – or they think they have. If you now hang around them after being dumped, you will look desperate, easy or weak. Finally, the logic of avoiding contact with your Ex about making sure that your ex also gets a dose of the isolation and rejection that they have thrown at you. It’s a strategic move. They probably think they can live without you easily. But they are human too. So they will also suddenly discover that they miss something about you. Like it or not, they will also feel your absence. So don’t make it any easier for them. Give them a calculated payback.

Exceptions to The 30-Day Rule of Not Contacting Your Ex

Calendar.There is no rule without exceptions. The first exception comes into play when, even after no contacting your Ex, he or she takes the initiative to contact you. If that happens, do not refuse to respond or react rudely. Simply make your contact very brief and non-emotional. Make it look like you are ok with the breakup, like you agree it’s a good idea. And keep it that way until you are through with your period of self imposed no-contact.  Remember, the whole point of ignoring your Ex is in fact a way of communicate to them one very powerful message: you are ok with the break up. You are ready to move on. So, if he or she initiates contact, it is that message that you must pass. Politely.

Secondly, it does not have to be exactly 30 days. If you are the strong type, you may get over your Ex earlier than 30 days. Or you might need longer if the relationship was long and you had introduced your ex to you parents. So, be flexible. But, in any case, make sure there is a reasonable period of time in which you are totally not in contact with your Ex.

Also, if you work together or go to the same school, you will not be able to avoid your Ex.  Again, make sure any contact is brief, cordial and anything but about the breakup or your relationship. And, at all costs, do not fall into the trap of becoming ‘friends’ with your Ex, especially if they ask for it. Why? See the details in our article on why you need to avoid the friend zone with your Ex.

Which leaves out just one question: how, exactly, does ignoring your ex help you get him or her back? That is the subject of our next article, no contact, how it works.

Heath Backes

Hi! I'm Heath Backes and I'm an ex-back expert!

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