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No Contact With Your Ex: How It Works

How not contacting your ex for a while after the breakup makes it easier for you to get back together

By now, you know about the golden rule of avoiding your Ex for a while after a break up. One question, however, remains: what are the chances of your Ex trying to contact you during your self-imposed sabbatical? And what are you to do if that happens?

In other words, how does the no contact rule actually help you get your love back?

Why Your Ex Is Likely To Reach Out to You During The No Contact Phase

CommunicationBe prepared. The chances of your Ex reaching out to you during the no contact period is very high. Why? Because of the surprisingly predictable – and emotional – nature of who we are as human beings.

The psychology behind it is simple: people who have shared lots of time together, known each other intimately, loved each other, and depended on each other emotionally, cannot wake up one morning and totally forget each other. No matter why you broke up, the truth is that you will both miss each other for quite a while after the breakup – maybe even for the rest of your lives.

That is why it is so terribly difficult for you to control your urge to call or text your Ex after a break up. And that is why your ex is likely to make contact with you.

There is also a practical reason why your Ex will look for you. Lovers, by definition, spend lots of time together. The effect is that, once you break up, both of you will find yourself with excess time in your hands. And, being human, you will both be feeling alone and empty. Plus, if it was your Ex who dumped you, he or she will feel guilty at some point after you are no longer around. They will wonder if they were right. Or fair.

So, if you stay away long enough, chances are your Ex will reach out to you. Just remember, however, that your Ex reaching out to you does not necessary mean she or he wants you back. It merely means they miss you and haven’t yet found something to fill the time with. If you want them back, you will have to work for it. Really, almost like starting a new relationship. For that, see our article on flirting with your Ex and rekindling sexuality.

But we are not there yet. Now, your problem is figuring out how to handle your Ex if they get in touch with you before you are ready.

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How to Shut Down Conversation With Your Ex Without Seeming Rude

Sometimes, it’s impossible to avoid meeting your Ex. Maybe you work together. Or maybe it is a random meeting. The rule is to be calm, friendly and brief. Do not ignore them or run away from them. Respond. But make sure the contact is brief, cordial, and non-emotional. Refuse, politely, to discuss the breakup. Make it look like you are ok with the breakup, like you understand why it had to happen.

Remember why you are avoiding contact: it is a way of provoking your Ex to miss you. But it is also about buying yourself time to think clearly. So, be nice but do not discuss deep stuff yet. And make it short. As soon as you can politely get away, leave or end the conversation.

Above all, do not allow yourself to become ‘friends’ with your Ex. Especially if that is what they want. For details on that see our article on why you need to avoid the friend zone with your Ex.

What If Your Ex Does Not Bother Contacting You?

Don't panic, organize!

Whatever happens, don’t panic!

But what if your Ex does not bother contacting you during this period? Don’t panic. It can happen. Your Ex might simply be too angry or upset – or embarrassed – to make the first move. That happens mostly if the breakup was acrimonious, like when the person being dumped reacts badly. If your Ex is scared of you, or bitter about something you said, he or she will not try and contact you. But given enough time, they will still get in touch. But, if you were really nasty when they broke up with you, it will be up to you to make the first move after you have taken time to cool off. That, by the way, is the reason why it is advisable never to shout, yell, insult or threaten someone who has just dumped you. You only end up hurting your chances of getting them back.

Also, your Ex may have dumped you because they were dazzled by someone else. They may therefore be too busy with their new love to get in touch with you. Again, the trick here is time. Give them some time. In fact, if you appear to interfere with her or his new relationship, you will only make them more determined to leave you. So, let them be. Because soon enough, your Ex will begin to compare you with their new lover and, if you were really a good match together, it will soon become clear to your ex that he or she made a mistake.

Heath Backes

Hi! I'm Heath Backes and I'm an ex-back expert!

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